Table of Contents
Introduction
The yearning for the touch that ignites desire; those kisses that fan the flames of passion, the licking, the sucking and the nibbles that cover every inch of you and infuse your very being with an inferno of want and the release that satiates your very soul!
When was the last time you felt that way about sex?
If you can’t remember or if sex is now more an obligation towards your relationship than the extremely fulfilling and pleasurable act that it is, this article is definitely for you.
Let’s start with that which will form the very basis of what’s to come ahead (no pun intended).
Boys and girls, you are sexual beings, admit it already!
It is normal for the sexual drive to vary from time to time in both men and women.
Also, not everybody has the same sex drive, contrary to the perception that the head down south rules the lives of all men and women are just not so into it.
However, if things have gone awry in between the sheets in the last few weeks or months, you need to ponder over what your gal down there or your boy down there is trying to tell you.
The fact is that the human animal is hardwired to seek the pleasure that is sex. If that were not true, we would not be indulging in the act even when procreating is not on the agenda.
Yes, people do tend to get complacent in a relationship as the years go by. Also, aging does cause hormonal fluctuations in both men and women that can mar their sex life. So, if you are not at it like rabbits as you once used to be, that is understandable.
However, if you have gone from, “I am game” to “Again? But we just did it last year”, you certainly have cause for concern on more fronts than one.
Your sex life- The barometer of your health and your relationship!
The heart of the matter: As far as the boys are concerned, anything that is good for the ticker is also good for the pecker.
So, the reverse also applies. If the pecker refuses to rise to the occasion, you need to have the ticker checked out. Everything from hypertension to diabetes, and from high cholesterol levels to obesity, can lead to heart and sex troubles.
The mind games: When asked about sexual organs, most people are quick to think below the waist, when in reality, the most powerful sexual organ in your body sits on top.
Yes, that noggin of yours has a huge role to play in the shaggin’. So, anything that burdens and overwhelms the brain is bound to have a bearing on your sex drive.
That’s everything from stress to anxiety, and from depression to grief; all of these can send the libido crashing in both men and women.
Drug trouble: Many drugs prescribed for chronic ailments end up killing sexual desire and are also the cause of erectile dysfunction.
Common culprits include antihypertensive meds, beta blockers, opioid pain killers, antipsychotic drugs, antidepressants, oral contraceptives in women, finasteride (Rogaine) in men and antihistamines (1) (2).
If you notice a radical change in your sex drive after you started using a particular drug, talk to your doctor about it.
Hormone havoc: Your sexual drive, performance and the sense of satisfaction that you derive from sex are all fueled by your hormones. So, anything that impacts the levels of testosterone in men and estrogen in women will hit their sex life.
Relationship problems: Good sex is a vital part of a happy and fulfilling relationship. By that logic, relationship and intimacy issues are bound to impact your sex life and even your desire to be intimate with your partner.
In fact, more than infidelity, it is the breakdown of communication that kills the sex life of many couples.
The 10 tips that will make a difference!
There are oodles of benefits to a good romp in the hay; from elevating stress to boosting immune health, and from enhancing the intimate connection to improving heart health.
You have plenty of reasons to take your sex life from “meh”” to “mind-blowing”, and here are ten tips that will help.
1.The food to sex connection
Long before the advent of the little blue pill, people were using food to crank up the heat in bed.
It may seem a bit odd, but there is a lot of positive virbations that can come from honey, strawberries and chocolate.
But, that is not where it ends! Pomegranates, oysters, fennel seeds (women), healthy fats, nuts and bright colored veggies and fruits will give your body the raw material it needs to keep that sex drive going.
So, if you want performance from your body, stop feeding it junk and go for those aphrodisiac foods.
2.Let’s talk about sex, baby
Your partner has seen you naked multiple times and you have done the deed more times than you can count and yet the idea of a frank discussion about sex can be uncomfortable. Many just assume that their partners may be offended by the conversation.
In reality, it is not the sex talk but the lack of it that will sound the death knell for your relationship. So, pick a moment when both of you are comfortable and completely into the conversation, and then have a heart to heart about your sex life.
No need for accusations or criticism. Simply talk about what you want more of and how things have changed for you in terms of your needs in bed. This approach is less confrontational and more likely to create a sense of shared confidence and positivity.
3.”P” for penis and “V” for vagina
Sounds (for lack of a better word) sterile, doesn’t it? As shocking as it may be, it’s the couples in long-term relationships who are the coyest about dirty talk. But, never forget the power that your brain has over your body.
Engaging the auditory sense with some dirty talk means more areas of the brain are focused on the act and in the imagination and anticipation of what is to come.
When you consider this, it comes as no surprise that in a study (3), 90% participants said that they felt more aroused with the right erotic talk. The operative part of that statement is “right”.
So, ease into things gradually, and go for erotic over crass. The best part is that sex talk does not all have to be coherent. The moaning, expressing your pleasure and the articulation of what you want can be the most powerful of all.
4.Bored much, are you?
Folks, time for a bitter reality check- Regardless of your bedroom skills, your age or even how well preserved you are, the fact is that, after a while, it is the same body, the same bed and the same ol’ method.
Your brain is an adrenaline junkie; it thrives on novelty, which explains why boredom is the fastest killer of bedroom life. Go ahead and do things differently.
Your efforts don’t have to be money or time intensive; something as simple as watching an erotic movie together or a date night that culminates in a hotel room instead of your own bedroom can change the scenery enough to bring back the excitement.
5.Work out to work on your sex life
Your body is covered in a sheen of sweat, your heart is racing and you cannot control your panting. NO, that is not the description of a sex session, but a workout session.
But, you may have spotted the similarities, as will your brain; not to mention that regular exercising can go a long way in improving the health of the mechanics involved in the act.
Go ahead and work out together. It could be dancing, couples yoga or even just a walk around the park. Pick something that is within the comfort zone of both your partner and you, and then run with it.
The best part is that regular exercise will also help you to shed a few pounds, which will offer its own benefits in terms of improved body image and sexual sex esteem.
6.Your man parts and lady bits are muscles too, you know!
Yes, sex is a calorie-consuming act. But despite all the action that the entire pubic area gets during sex, the act itself does not qualify as exercise for the muscles down there.
By now you may be thinking “kegel”. The “I want to pee but I will hold on to it for dear life” exercise can literally electrify your sex life.
So, if you don’t know what kegel exercise is, you should look it up and let us clarify that it works for both men and women. Plus, its benefits go well beyond just sex.
7.Sex on meditation
As crazy as it sounds to use the words “meditation” and “sex” in the same sentence, the fact is that for many, it is their own mental chatter that poses a problem. And nothing works better than meditation and mindfulness to calm a chaotic mind.
The biggest advantage is that meditation and mindfulness also help to relieve stress and negativity. This explains why one study reported that most women who meditate have better sexual desire and function (5).
8.All the bases matter- not just the fourth
What is a dead giveaway of sex turning into a chore? Lack of foreplay!
Guys, “The wham, bam, thank you ma’am” approach does not work for any woman out there. And gals, men enjoy foreplay just as much as women. Come to think of it, actual intercourse lasts for an average of just 3-13 minutes.
It would be safe to say that all that pinning isn’t just for those last few minutes. In fact, it is the buildup up to the grand finale, the gradual rise in the crescendo to the point where it completely overwhelms the senses, that makes sex so damn pleasurable.
Hence, if you have a 3-step routine – kiss, suck, f***, you need to rethink things. Foreplay is the true game changer and you would be surprised at the earth shattering, no, make that bed shattering, impact it can have.
9.A little help never hurt anybody
Don’t take it all upon yourself when help is so easily available! We’re talking about lubricants, sex toys, lingerie and other paraphernalia that can be your little helpers in your journey through erotic kingdom.
For a lot of women in the 6th and 7th decade of their lives, vaginal dryness turns sex painful. But, don’t throw the baby out with the water! Get a water-based lubricant, instead.
Similarly, for some gals, intercourse, no matter how long it lasts, just does not provide enough clitoral stimulation to reach the point of orgasm. But, this too can be easily and very pleasurably remedied with sex toys.
And, there is help available for gals, too. Try penis sleeves, him-n-her vibes, wearable finger vibrators and others to blow his mind and more. In a nutshell, use the help that is readily available.
10.Fatigue and arousal don’t go well together
Sleep deprivation, chronic fatigue syndrome, or work-related burnout, can tire your body and brain to the point where nothing in the world, including sex, seems pleasurable anymore.
Yes, sex is a great stress-buster, but it cannot replace rest.
A good night’s sleep, some time out for yourself, even if it is just an hour a day, and a few self-indulgences (not talking about food here) can help tremendously to boost your sex drive.
Last and the most important!
All the information above can only help if you accept that there is a problem where there should not be one. Be realistic, sweeping sex-related issues under the carpet won’t make them go away.
If anything, the more you shy away from them, the more you risk alienating yourself and your partner from each other and from the relationship.
Sex may not be the “only” important aspect of a relationship but it is a “very important” part. Some couples dismissively state that after twenty years of marriage, they’ve have become less spouses and more siblings.
There is something fundamentally wrong in that mindset.
Then, there is the ubiquitous statement “Ahh, we are too old for that now”. Newsflash- sex drive prevails well into the 60s and even the 70s for men as well as women (6).
So, if you are not doing it, don’t blame it on your age. Accept a problem when you see one and work to resolve it, or in this case, “re-sex” it!
References Cited –
(2) https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/9124-medications-that-affect-sexual-function
(3) https://bigthink.com/sex-relationships/dirty-talk
(4) https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00520-014-2327-8
(5) https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2017.1405311
(6) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3267340/
Other references:
· https://in.askmen.com/moves-to-arouse/1088893/article/sex-toys-for-couples
· https://www.complex.com/pop-culture/2014/06/male-sex-toys-that-women-would-actually-want-in-their-bedroom/reversible-power-cages
· https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/how-long-should-sex-last
· https://theconversation.com/how-long-does-sex-normally-last-56432
· https://www.medicaldaily.com/science-dirty-talk-and-why-it-increases-sexual-pleasure-349854
· https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexualitytoday/201901/are-men-s-and-women-s-sexual-minds-really-different
· https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/for-women-sexuality-changes-with-age-but-doesnt-disappear-201402137035
· https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/Life_after_50_A_Harvard_study_of_male_sexuality
· https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/sexual-health/expert-answers/loss-of-sex-drive/faq-20058237
· https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/all-natural-tips-to-improve-your-sex-life
· https://www.ohsu.edu/womens-health/benefits-healthy-sex-life